Feeling better...

Apparently taking out the Prozac has improved the Ambilify. I feel clearer in the head. Although I need to do something about my lecture presentation during class. I'm stuttering and pausing which is so unlike me. Maybe I'm out of practice. But I even notice in social situations that I have a hard time with words to continue the conversation. I've even done the pause thing, awkward. I've been out of touch for so long that I need to practice once again how to be sociable. I've been so use to being quiet and unable to talk much that I've made myself awkward around people. I need to bring that up to Steve the next time I see him.

I haven't written down my gratitudes lately. I do need to say I'm thankful for a good therapist. He really know how to show concern for you. I'm thankful for medication even if it does have side effects. I don't want to be in the black again. So far the Fetzima seems to be doing just fine. I haven't had any noticeable side effects and I'm not feeling blah. That's a good thing. I'm thankful for not feeling blah for once.

Gratitude...

I have a quiet moment while the girls are home. Celeste is bowling with her friends, Savannah is on the Tablet, and Sierra is playing with Maggie. Since they are occupied, I have a moment to do my gratitude journal.
1. I'm thankful for healthy children.
2. I'm thankful for my marriage.
3. I'm thankful for the power of sealing.
4. I'm thankful for M&Ms.
5. I'm thankful for a sweet husband who got me the M&Ms.

That's all I can focus on right now. I'm feeling less blah today but still feel uninspired to do my artwork. Maybe if I did a splatter painting to spark my artistic side. Hopefully the paint is still good. I could do a black painting with varying gray splatters and a bit of white. I could mix in some red to warm up the gray. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow when the kids get on the computers. I wish I could do something with my splatter paintings. I really like doing them. I just wish I could be paid for them. I'm still hanging on the attention I got with my painting Dysfunction. Surely I can find a niche for my paintings, but with everyone else who can splatter, I don't know if I can. I wish I had an array of paints of different colors. Do a painting in a variety of reds, tones of blues, tints of white. Someday. That could be my niche. Monochromatic paintings. My instructors always told me to simplify my work. Okay now I'm feeling inspired. Now I just need to afford it.

Changes again...

Here we go again - changing of the antidepressant. The Prozac is just not effective enough to keep the blahs away. And besides it is known not to mix well with Ambilify. Maybe with the Prozac gone, the Ambilify will operate better. I know everyone get the blahs, but no matter what I do, the blahs just hover. I don't feel like doing anything and that is just not me. I'm usually a busy person, or can find ways to be busy. So when I feel useless, something is not right. And this has been going on for way too long. I wonder if the Inderal has anything to do with the blahs or possibly hormones are causing the problem. Either way, the Prozac is not cutting it.The new stuff is called Fetzima. Suppose to take it in the morning with food. That worries me. That might mean can cause nausea and I'm not going through that again. Evil Vibyrd. If I become just a bit nauseated by it, it's out, no second thoughts about it. My appetite is already suppressed from something - depression, Inderal - i don't need nausea on top of poor eating.

I'm suppose to make a gratitude journal according to Steve. It's one of those behavorial cognitive things to help with depression, to get you thinking positive. So here I go:
1. I'm thankful for healthy children even though they stress me at times.
2. I'm thankful for an understanding husband who really wants me to be more affectionate.
3. I'm thankful for a warm home even when it feels too big.
4. I'm thankful for a job to help me feel productive.
5. I'm thankful for my artistic talent even though I feel uninspired right now.
6. I'm thankful for my religion and the faith it gives me.
7. I'm thankful for love from my family.
8. I'm thankful for a healthy body regardless of my brain.
9. I'm thankful for a knowledgeable mind.
10. I'm thankful for a good therapist.

Okay, I have found 10 thanks. Now I just need to remind myself everyday and to find more.

Something is not right....

Recently all I've been wanting to do is lay on the sofa or sleep. I have no umph to do anything. I forced myself yesterday to draw out another horse to paint and I have had the tie to work o it but all I did this morning is lay on the sofa. I didn't feel like doing anything. It could because I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up since 3:45am. I made myself get up around 11:30 am and made myself move around cleaning this and that. Then I stared at my painting figuring out the colors to use, then I left to sit on the sofa. I did watch one of my art shows. It was on Frank Frazetta, a fantasy artist from the 60s and 70s. Now I'm letting out some of my frustration. I don't want to feel sleepy. I don't want to feel unmotivated, or unproductive. I have plenty to do whether it's painting more horses, drawing horses, splattering paint onto a canvas, or painting the bathroom. But I don't feel like doing anything and that scares me that the depression is creeping in again. I don't want to be depressed anymore.

Christmas break....

I'm not going to survive another 5 days. This past week has gone by fairly fast. Christmas is done. That stress is over. Although I do have to admit I was anxious for Christmas Eve and for their faces on Christmas morning. I'm not sure about Celeste's reaction, maybe it's a 12 thing. But Sierra was overjoyed over her doll house and million of dolls to go with it. Savannah seemed thrilled over her Monster High dolls and super hero action figures. It's fun watching them be happy with Santa's gifts.

Now it's time to start putting away the Christmas decor. The tree fell down so it made that decision easy of when to put it away. I want to go through all the boxes and separate the keepers and the give aways. There are just decor stuff that we just don't use now and plus my taste has changed. The problem now is that I'm not motivated again. I feel I need to be available to referee the girls during their chores and whatever else they may do that may irritate each other.

So I'm left wandering the house cleaning up small things here and there. Bit boring. I am able to write for a few minutes but I have one kid hanging right beside me, so I will continue this later...

Anxiety...

I shouldn't have so much anxiety about my girls coming home. It's Friday, they will be home at 1:00, I've already taken a Xanax. What does that say about me? I do love my children, I want to see them happy, and to feel safe. But they stress me when they are home all together. Savannah and Sierra antagonize each other. Celeste is very impatient over any little annoyance. I'm trying to keep them off the computers as much as possible but I know today I will probably give in by 1:30 because I feel crappy. It's not brain crappy that I have been fighting but head cold crappy. My bronchial tubes just ache. And I wonder if I'm having some reaction between the Abilify and Musinex. Or I'm just tired of feeling sick, both kinds.

I did have a annual physical last week and finally got the results yesterday. My stats came back normal. So no menopause. My moods are defintely from brain wires. Although, Michele said my progesterone and thyroid were on the low end. She said it could possibly be a fluke but to come back in a couple months and have blood work done again. I also plan to come back in 6 months and have another mammogram done. Ick. I have to admit my age for sure now because I had my first mammogram done after my physical. Michele said there is a dense spot on the right side, small, but noticeable. So in 6 months I'll find out if it is growing or just a fibrous spot. I can see why ladies put off getting mammograms. Having someone push and pull your breast in unnatural positions is painful and embarrassing. But it needs to be done as I found out. Now I have to put aside the idea of a tumor and try to feel normal until the next test. My white blood cell count was normal so there's hope it is nothing at all. It's hard to feel attractive when you have a possible lump.

At least I know more of what is going on with my body and what symptoms are from what. My glucose level is normal so the hypoglycemia is a side effect of the Abilify. The shakes are from the akasethia, and the depression is most certainly being bipolar. I still wish sometimes for a high to get me out of this crappiness. I feel so healthy when I'm high. I feel so healthy that I could take on a 5K without training. Unfortunately where there is a high, there is a drop, and I don't want that again.

Kids will be coming home in 30 minutes...

Piddling...

I seem to do alot of piddling these days. My motivation to paint is zelched right now. I have a drawing ready for watercolor crayons but I can't seem to concentrate. I'm restless. I'm even too restless to write this blog. But I haven't written in awhile and a kid does not have my laptop.

I could be going through a box of receipts and statements, I could be bringing in wood to the garage, or cleaning out the storage room, or cleaning the washer and dryer, or sifting through old Christmas ornaments, finish watching Castle, or drawing. I really should be working on my drawing. I could be finding the Christmas cards and send those out. I could be vacuuming the stairs. I have an hour left before kids are home from school. I really should be working on my drawing.