Watching Ice Age...

Ice Age: The Meltdown is on the TV and I'm the only one in the room. And I'm watching it rather than changing the channel. That could mean I either really appreciate animated movies or I don't know how to watch adult shows anymore. I have one child on the computer, one on the IPad, and the other playing with a cousin over at Grammy's, so I could change the channel. But I do like these characters and Dr. Phil will be coming on in a few minutes. And the episode will probably have sexual content viewer discretion, needing the channel to be switched over to a kids' show.

It has been a full week since school has let out for the girls. It has been a long week. My girls can't seem to entertain themselves. They probably could if I allowed them to play on the computer all day. But the rule is no more than an hour a day. Sometimes I let it slide for a few extra minutes on days when I need to keep them separated. Like today. Celeste isn't here so Sierra and Savannah follow each other just to annoy each other. I tell them to separate, so what do they do, they squeeze into the other's hulahoop space. They get that from Jared's side of the family because my side kept to ourselves when we were bored or irritable.

Well, I'm hoping today I will be less irritable this evening. I have plans for me and Jared to reconnect with dinner for two and playing tourists on the Moab strip. The girls are staying over at Grammy's house, luckily with my brother and his youngest daughter there to entertain. That means we can stay out late and have the house to ourselves - maybe even sleep in! We have been married for 15 years and I feel the need to connect with just him because all we have been doing is working and managing kids. We need to talk about something else.

Sipping tea...

Kids are in bed...husband watching 127 Hours on his laptop...dogs are comfortably lying on the floor...watching a new show titled "Motive"...sipping honey vanilla chamomile tea. Actually it is too hot to sip just yet so I thought I would write. I'm feeling agitated again, the usual evening mood that is becoming the norm. I'm hoping the tea will quiet me down. I'm using a smaller mug for a more concentrated dose of herbal anxiety reducer.

I watched my oldest daughter do standup today for the middle school's talent show. Brian Regan was her choice which works for me because he is one of the few family-friendly comedians around. She did good considering she only practiced her lines one night. She had the pauses, the vocal and facial expressions, and the hand gestures right on cue. There were giggles in the audience and cheers at the end. Good work my funny girl!

Taking on irritability...

Today has been quite the battle with the irritable monster. Irritable this morning for feeling groggy. Irritable with the idea of cleaning house for upcoming weekend guests. Irritable with Sierra's quick temper that has blossomed this past couple weeks. Irritable with Celeste for not gathering all the details she needs for the middle school's triathlon that she did not train for at all. Although, through complete stubborn determination that she apparently inherited from me, she managed to complete her course - not the best time but she finished without quitting - I'm proud of her. Continuing the irritability with my youngest two antagonizing each other to screaming point. Irritable with the odor caused by my old dog and young one who knows better than to pee in the house. Irritable with the complaints made by Jared about the cat pooping on his canyoneering gear. I don't know why and I can't seem to figure out a way to make her stop. I just think she smells the outdoors and uses it.

And now I'm irritable because I have to stay up and wait for our in-law guests to arrive. Jared has been up for over 24 hours because of stupid drunks and he needs to go to bed but I hate having to be the social one. I'm irritable if I have to be sociable! This social anxiety thing has gone on long enough but I can't seem to snap out of it. I just feel awkward.

The house is quiet for right now so the monster is sleeping. I have vented. I feel calmer. Hopefully the monster will be quiet tomorrow as I'm left watching a strong-willed five year old and fiery four year old, her cousin, while everyone one else goes play in the canyons. Lucky me.

Rough couple of days...

Well...I'm on another drug. Buspar. At first I thought my counselor called it boostbar, sounding like some energy bar for hikers. The blahs were becoming too low and nothing was punching me out of it. I had a wonderful Mother's Day - a sweet note from my husband telling me I'm the one that keeps the family together, a cute handmade pony from my oldest, a cheerful card from my middle child, and a darling story from my youngest calling me sweet as a marshmellow. There were only about three flare ups from the girls and they don't grasp the concept of letting Mom take a nap but the day went well. I also received a beautiful photo of the Provo Temple from church. One of the Bishopric actually took the time to find out all the mothers' place of personal endowment and his daughter photographed those temples. I was also sealed to my parents in the Provo Temple as well so that is another added affection to that temple.

However, on Monday, I felt tearful all day, unmotivated, self-abusive, flat out sad. I was feeling worse than just a blue day. Now I say to myself that decreasing the Saphris was probably a bad move but I was having these kind of days even at 10mg. I was close to throwing out all meds into the outside trash can, be done, I was fed up, nothing was ever gong to work for me.

I did the opposite pattern of the past of decarding my meds and actually called my counselor hoping something could change. He returned my message on Tuesday and mentioned the "boostbar" - an anti-anxiety pill that will supplement the antidepressant. I'm taking too many pills now. I even had to take a Xanax earlier to chill me because I got flared up by something eating my flowers that I just planted. Basils are zipped, zapped, stubs. Then I found more of my herbs nipped at the tops, new growth gone. I don't even know if they will continue to grow. Frustrating to spend so much money for a pest to feast. I'm hoping the baby powder dusted on the plants will deter whatever it is.

Anyways, the new med seems to have worked because I survived a field trip with kindergarteners today. A trip to the Bluff Fort in my hometown of Bluff. My old house is so not the same anymore and I miss the red rock views from the front yard. It was like summertime there since it is about 2,000 feet lower in elevation from Blanding. Me and Sierra got to see old pioneer cabins and antique furniture and household items. It is fascinating to see how simple life was and yet I would have been a total wimp living the way they did. I like my big house with a heating and cooling and running water, especially when it comes to the bathroom. I could not do an outhouse...yew. And I love my daily showers.

Amazing enough, I was able to work on an encaustic painting this afternoon. I have this black abstract painting with red lines cut into the background of foggy blue mingling with the black. At the bottom left is a black beetle spotlighted in white. The bug represents being lost in the darkness because those common beetles always seem to be wandering aimlessly. The painting symbolizes the depression I was feeling on Monday - feeling lost, dark, and frustrated represented by the jagged red lines. It is becoming easier to work on my wax paintings because I can turn on the heat and leave them to whenever I have a few minutes to focus on a layer. I'm thinking of re-working the black on the bottom portion and leaving a foggy blue horizontal section instead of a encircling white spotlight on the insect. I'll figure out something. At least it feels close to being done.

Still have the blue tack...

This low is not lifting...again. It's more of a dysthemic low - not too low but not leveled, just blah. I have to remind myself that in the evenings I will feel more blah than during the day. The Saphris begins to wear off around dinner time. But today it was Depeche Mode mood. I only wanted to listen to dark and twisted music. I know I shouldn't hear music that only intensifies my mood but any other will just annoy me - I tried it. I love Depeche Mode. They have a dark, dramatic sound that grabs at my soul and pulls on it. They fill my head with fantasies, dramatic stories, that are dark and yet have a slight light of hope. That's what I want - a light of hope that will take me out of this slump. And yet, at times I would miss the darkness because I feel I can only be the most creative when I am dark. It is a constant internal battle. I need to go to bed.

Oh, the blue tack is the color for low, sad, depressed. I post it on my peg board for Jared to have a heads up on my mood since we only seem to see each other in passing on many days. Okay, now I'm going to bed. I'm going to take only half the pill tonight to see if there is a difference in the dragging mood. Maybe less dragging will mean less low. I'm not hopeful at this point but why not.  At least this time I have told Jared that I was dissatisfied with my meds instead of silently dealing with it.

Popcorn!

I just bought a fancy popcorn machine! Jared needed a gift idea for Mother's Day so I took care of that. Lately I have found it to be okay and just as exciting to buy my own present for occasions. I still want my husband to put in an effort like cooking dinner and coordinating the kids. And he still surprises me sometimes with windchimes or an ipod, but I know he has been extremely busy this past month thinking and doing business things. So I cut him a break and got my own present. I know I don't need a present but what fun would that be?

The Today Show had these popcorn makers on Jill's Steals and Deals of the Day that were 1950s retro that could fit on my counter. I already have two popcorn makers but one is in a box in the shed and the other is just way noisy. Hopefully this air popper will not be as noisy. But it will look so cute sitting on my kitchen counter. I'm thinking of moving the fish tank to the entry way and putting the popcorn maker on the counter by the cabinets. That way I can stress less over the fish tank leaving a water stain on the counter top.

So in a week, I'll have my popcorn maker...just in time for summer family movie nights!

Blogs...

The bphope site has some great blogs this week. http://www.bphope.com/bphopeblog/
I especially like the "stadium in my head". It reminds me of a stadium concert moreso than a sporting event. When I get too low, the noises in my head become too loud. When I'm reaching a high, the noise is intoxicating, like a U2 or Linkin Park concert. Either way, it disrupts my sleeping pattern and I pay for it the following day. Like today. I was up late last night working on another clay horse that I will probably toss out. So now I'm feeling blah this morning and can't seem to get motivated to do anything.

To counteract that problem, I'm writing and then I'm going to go buy pretty flowers to embellish my new house and new gardens.

A horse and anxiety...

I have been making horse sculptures and I believe they are causing some unnecessary anxiety. I want them to be perfect. I want the clay to work with me. I want the mosaic of glass pieces to turn out right. I want these horse to turn out what I see in my head. But nothing seems to be working and I'm wasting materials because they cannot be reused. Once they are are dry, that's it. The first horse is having issues with its legs. The second one seems shaped funny and I can't seem to form it just right.

I'm trying to make them into masterpieces and they are only turning out to be school practice pieces. I want to sculpt but seeing these horses are causing my heart to panic. Why is that? I'm already fighting an anxiety phase so these horses are not helping.

I need to weld again. I use to find it easier to take scrap pieces of metal and burn the heck out of them into a form. I could be more expressive with the form of the horse rather than pressure myself to capture exact features in the clay.

I want to throw them out and pretend I never wasted the material. I don't know why I can't relax and just see them as play pieces, experiments that don't have to lead into masterpieces. It's probably because I don't have a budget with much squirming room. I feel I have to make the money back with the artwork. But it is not like I'm selling artwork out of the wazoo. And with a new house, I have to be extra frugal.

That's it, I'm going to look for scrap metal. I was always happier working in metal. I need to ease this anxiety.