Christmas break....

I'm not going to survive another 5 days. This past week has gone by fairly fast. Christmas is done. That stress is over. Although I do have to admit I was anxious for Christmas Eve and for their faces on Christmas morning. I'm not sure about Celeste's reaction, maybe it's a 12 thing. But Sierra was overjoyed over her doll house and million of dolls to go with it. Savannah seemed thrilled over her Monster High dolls and super hero action figures. It's fun watching them be happy with Santa's gifts.

Now it's time to start putting away the Christmas decor. The tree fell down so it made that decision easy of when to put it away. I want to go through all the boxes and separate the keepers and the give aways. There are just decor stuff that we just don't use now and plus my taste has changed. The problem now is that I'm not motivated again. I feel I need to be available to referee the girls during their chores and whatever else they may do that may irritate each other.

So I'm left wandering the house cleaning up small things here and there. Bit boring. I am able to write for a few minutes but I have one kid hanging right beside me, so I will continue this later...

Anxiety...

I shouldn't have so much anxiety about my girls coming home. It's Friday, they will be home at 1:00, I've already taken a Xanax. What does that say about me? I do love my children, I want to see them happy, and to feel safe. But they stress me when they are home all together. Savannah and Sierra antagonize each other. Celeste is very impatient over any little annoyance. I'm trying to keep them off the computers as much as possible but I know today I will probably give in by 1:30 because I feel crappy. It's not brain crappy that I have been fighting but head cold crappy. My bronchial tubes just ache. And I wonder if I'm having some reaction between the Abilify and Musinex. Or I'm just tired of feeling sick, both kinds.

I did have a annual physical last week and finally got the results yesterday. My stats came back normal. So no menopause. My moods are defintely from brain wires. Although, Michele said my progesterone and thyroid were on the low end. She said it could possibly be a fluke but to come back in a couple months and have blood work done again. I also plan to come back in 6 months and have another mammogram done. Ick. I have to admit my age for sure now because I had my first mammogram done after my physical. Michele said there is a dense spot on the right side, small, but noticeable. So in 6 months I'll find out if it is growing or just a fibrous spot. I can see why ladies put off getting mammograms. Having someone push and pull your breast in unnatural positions is painful and embarrassing. But it needs to be done as I found out. Now I have to put aside the idea of a tumor and try to feel normal until the next test. My white blood cell count was normal so there's hope it is nothing at all. It's hard to feel attractive when you have a possible lump.

At least I know more of what is going on with my body and what symptoms are from what. My glucose level is normal so the hypoglycemia is a side effect of the Abilify. The shakes are from the akasethia, and the depression is most certainly being bipolar. I still wish sometimes for a high to get me out of this crappiness. I feel so healthy when I'm high. I feel so healthy that I could take on a 5K without training. Unfortunately where there is a high, there is a drop, and I don't want that again.

Kids will be coming home in 30 minutes...

Piddling...

I seem to do alot of piddling these days. My motivation to paint is zelched right now. I have a drawing ready for watercolor crayons but I can't seem to concentrate. I'm restless. I'm even too restless to write this blog. But I haven't written in awhile and a kid does not have my laptop.

I could be going through a box of receipts and statements, I could be bringing in wood to the garage, or cleaning out the storage room, or cleaning the washer and dryer, or sifting through old Christmas ornaments, finish watching Castle, or drawing. I really should be working on my drawing. I could be finding the Christmas cards and send those out. I could be vacuuming the stairs. I have an hour left before kids are home from school. I really should be working on my drawing.

Lately....

*Have a small head cold. Constantly clearing out gunk in my throat.
*Jared has been in a bad mood and won't let me know why. Something happened at work.
*Celeste was home sick and seems to be holding up at school today.
*Savannah is complaining about stomach problems that only appear at bedtime.
*Sierra is doing okay so far.
*I have a fire burning in the fireplace.
*That makes for a comfy house especially when the outside is cold and gray.
*Wanting a snow storm to happen soon. If it's going to be cold, it should be white outside.
*Doing some more Christmas shopping, some toys are harder to find.
*Escaping on Thursday and Friday with Mom to Amylia's house to go SHOPPING!
*Although, I have a limit especially since we are planning a trip to Disneyland in March.
*So expensive.
*I think I found a present for Jared's birthday, Hopefully he will like it.
*And I really need to clean my bathroom.
*Oh, I finished two encaustic paintings. One representing melacholy and the other restlessness. Abstract of course. Now I need more wood panels to keep this streak going.
*I finished another horse painting but I keep staring at it wondering if it needs something else. I have another horse painting with a brown background and not sure if it works. I'll make up my mind eventually.
*My mood has been pretty even although the akatasia has finally kicked in. I have shakes and twitching in my knees. The Inderal seems to help the fidgety knees. But the blood pressure shift has become very annoying. You rise up and suddenly the speckles come to your eye sight and you feel off balanced. It only last for a few seconds but still, so annoying. Something to learn to work with because I'm not going back into the hole.
*Okay, I need to go clean now.
*Oh! And I made bread for the first time and it actually seems normal. A bit dry so I need to tweak the recipe a little to get it fluffier and less dry. But after much hesitating.

Prepping...

Watching Doomsday Preppers. Some of these people are interesting to watch because they are so extreme in what is going to cause doomsday. It's kinda of funny. Although some of their ideas of prepping are useful. Such as a symbiotic relationship with fish and gardens. You take fish tanks filled with fish, the eating kind, and grow agricultural plants on top. The plants renew the oxygen in the water and the fish poo fertilizes the plants. Jared has considered setting up a system like that. It sounds like alot of work to me. However, I would like a greenhouse to grow gardens through the seasons. I could start early in the Spring and continue late into Autumn. Plus maybe the dirt would not dry up so quickly in the hot Summer sun if the garden is covered.

I have become more in the prepping mood lately. It happens every now and then. I like to stock pile in food such as canned corn and dried chicken. Jared likes to stock pile in survival gear such as hunting knives and solar batteries. We make a perfect match. My Dad was a stock piler. Most likely where I get it from. I just feel the need to be prepared for anything like some disaster that keeps the food trucks from stocking up the grocery store. I live in a small rural town with one main highway. If that highway is ever cut off, goods would not make it here. We would be on our own.

Right now we have enough food to last us for a month. Well, at least me, Jared, and Celeste. Savannah and Sierra would starve instead of eat reconstituted dried chicken. They are such finicky eaters. If I can learn to make bread then at least that would feed them. When it comes to baking, I'm a bit hesitant to learn because I'm afraid of messing up. Can't afford for me to go through a bunch of flour and ingredients learning to make bread and having it turn out to be rock hard. But I need to learn someday and sooner the better. Then I can stock pile on bags of wheat flour - stock piling being so much easier.

Learning to bake and cook without an oven would be useful too. We have a fire stove that I could easily cook dinner on, but baking, how did the pioneers bake their bread using a fire? I know bread can be made in a dutch oven, at least I think I have heard it can be done. So maybe a pot with a lid could act like an oven. Then figuring out the baking time would be an issue. Okay, I'm starting to feel stressed.

On my own...

Well, today is the test. Jared is at work, working in Monticello, 20 miles away, SWAT training at 5pm, not going to be home until probably around 7pm. Me on the other hand has to rely on my strength to take care of the girls. And they have a Halloween party tonight. Which means I have to be sociable. Which means I'm going to feel exhausted by bedtime. And when I feel exhausted I feel down. One thing after the other.

But so far I'm cooking dinner, helping Celeste with her homework, and watching the other two play on the computers. I beat myself up for allowing so much computer time but with me recuperating, it keeps them busy. I tell myself they are only on the computers for an hour and half. That's not too much is it?

Then after dinner which is about 5:30, Celeste will go to the church at 6pm to set up for the party. Then at 6:15, I will help Savannah and Sierra dress up in their costumes to go to the party at 6:30. Spend about an hour there, come home, brush hair, and put Sierra into bed, then Savannah, then Celeste at 9pm. Then I can relax, feel exhausted, and ready myself for another night of little sleep, With Jared coming in at 1am and Sierra possibly coming in at 3 or 5 or 6:30 or all three times. You can tell I'm still counting down the time. Any down time means possible fighting among the girls. I still don't want to handle that.

It's going to be hard in the morning because I will be on my own again. Jared will need to sleep which means he won't be there to watch the girls at breakfast time and take them to school. I haven't taken them to school for over two weeks. Hopefully I will be fine.

Happy for Monday...

I'm probably the only person who likes Mondays. The kids are back in school, the house is quiet, and it's five days before the next weekend. I love my kids but they can make a day feel soooo long. Sundays are the worse. They're kept busy with church in the morning but the afternoon can be a headache, literally. We take a break from technology so all they do is watch TV. That would be fine except they get fussy after awhile. All Sunday afternoon and evening is way too much TV for one day so of course they get cranky. We all become cranky. But what gets me is that they won't use their imagination and find something else to do beside aggravate each other. They could draw, play with Legos, read a book, play with dolls, organize their room, something. I keep hoping as they grow older, they will self-motivate themselves instead of me coming up with the entertainment. However, Celeste is 12 years old and she still waits for me to come up with something. If I don't, then she just watches TV. Then she gets grumpy after too much TV. Then we are right back to what frustrates me about Sundays. And Sierra, when she gets bored, she is unbearable to be around because she just irritates for fun.

So, yes, Mondays are wonderful. I may not sleep well and have to get up at 7am, but I can lay back down after the kids are out of the house. I really need to work on a painting but I can't seem to get myself motivated to start. Usually once I put the paint on the palette I will keep going until the girls come home. But I'm always hesitant about starting because I feel as though I will not do well capturing the shadows and highlights with the paint. I have proof that I have been doing alright but I'm nervous each time I begin. I really want to work on an encaustic painting, make my own mood chart, but I'm waiting on materials to arrive by FedEx. It's aggravating sometimes when I'm in the mood for abstraction and all I could work on is representational. That increases my anxiety about starting another horse painting because my heart is not in it right now. But I need to work, whatever it may be.

Spending...

I have spent too much the past couple of days. Spent alot at the grocery store. Spent money and extra shipping for two costumes to make sure they will be here before Halloween. Celeste couldn't even get her arms in her costume from last year. The weed. And Savannah is in the super hero mood. I wasn't even going to get Savannah a costume because she has several to choose from past years but after catching Celeste getting what she wanted, I felt I needed to be fair. I told her no last night but this morning I went ahead and found her a Spider girl costume with red tights. I'm just going to surprise her with it and say I found it in town and not let her think I bought it. Let's see if I can get away with that.

Spent too much money on the movie The Croods so that the girls will have a movie to agree on for Saturday movie night. Spent too much money for four pumpkins because I didn't get them when they were on sale for 19 cents per pound. But the girls need to continue the tradition of carving pumpkins before Halloween. These holiday months are expensive. And I'm already shopping for Christmas!

I asked the girls at dinnertime what they wanted for Christmas and all I heard was an Ipad, robot tiger, and a pony. Not what I was wanting to hear. So now I'm left guessing and waiting for them to make comments over commercials that are going to bombard the TV right after Halloween. But I want to know something now so I can be done, now.

Christmas shopping...

I have the credit card and browsing websites. I want to start finding Christmas presents now so I don't have to worry about it later. Although the girls always manage to come up with a favorite item just days before Christmas. And I'm left paying for express shipping just to get it here in time. Living in a rural town make for interesting shopping, more likely limited shopping. Thank goodness for the Internet and access to stores online.

So far I have ordered books for Christmas. Always need the gift of books for Christmas. Although, I'm probably more interested in the children's books than Sierra will be. I love Splat the Cat. The illustrations are warm and funny. I'm a sucker for children book illustrations. The words are even well written and interesting for a story. Splat is just cute. But I know Sierra will read them so they won't go to waste - hopefully. If she doesn't enjoy them, I will.

I also got a Spiderman comic book for Savannah and the new Wimpy Kid for Celeste. I know Celeste will still want the Wimpy Kid by Christmas because it will complete her series. Hopefully Savannah will still like super heroes until then.

I'm anxious to buy some more toys but I'm not sure what they would want now. Celeste is probably going to get clothes. I don't think Savannah is into Monster High anymore. And I'm not sure which Monster High doll Sierra would want. And what else would they want? Christmas is going to be sad if they don't start giving me hints. I do want to give them these hats with ears and mittens attached I saw at Walmart. They look like they would have fun with them. They could be the gift from Mom and Dad. But what else? This is going to drive me crazy. Maybe I could ask them what they want for Christmas this afternoon to satisfy this urge to shop. Although I need to be cautious about how much of an urge to shop so I don't overspend. I'm not on a hypo so maybe I'll be just fine.

Scored a 14...

Had my visit with Steve today. He has me fill out a questionnaire each time to determine my level of depression. I was a 27 two weeks ago, 24 a week ago, and today I'm a 14! The closer I get to 5, the better. That means the Ambilify is doing its job. We're raising the dosage and decreasing the Prozac. At this point, the Prozac is just frivolous because the Ambilify has obviously made a difference. Now with the increase, I wonder if the akathsia will kick in. I already have shaky hands. I hope it doesn't get worst because then there will be the question of living with it or not. After this dark depression, I will most likely live with the side effect. There is always Xanax to calm the nerves.

I've actually finished a couple of paintings the past two days. One abstract, one another horse. The abstract piece reflects the nausea I dealt with for two weeks. It's covered in greens, black, and reddish browns with red-orange lines swirling for a queasy effect. The green is a sick green. The black is the depression. The reddish brown represents pukiness. The red-orange was a good complementary color to all the greens. And there some blue symbolizing feeling sad. I don't know if the painting is done. It seems dull in some light, good contrast in other light. Encaustic paintings are so dependent of light and how they reflect. I'm letting it sit for awhile before calling it done. I might be firing up the paints tomorrow to dabble some more. The circular lines are still questionable if they fit in the painting or not.

The other painting is another horse, a paint with a very inquisitive expression. The colors were simple and I enhanced the shadows with brillant blue. Then I made the background a saturated yellow to vibrate with the cobalt blue. The brushstrokes are a bit loose because my hands are shaky and plus I just want to experiment with dabs of color and features. I have John Nieto in mind when I paint. His work is so colorful and expressive, very inspiring. I'm hoping with this series of paintings that I could grab a gallery to sell them. It seems to only take a couple days to paint a horse on an 18x18 canvas, so I could make three in a week. If I'm motivated. The motivation level is not quite there yet. Maybe with the dosage increase it will return.

Now I need to go shopping on DickBlick.com to order more canvases to keep up my pace. I'm probably going to buy some gesso boards for my encaustics instead of making my own wood panels. It just more convenient to have them already made. I need to do something with these abstract paintings. I have a good collection, now I just need to gather up the nerve to introduce them to the art world. Horses are easier to sell, abstracts are harder to accept. If I can find a place that specializes in abstracts maybe I will have a chance. Of course I need to find a place that would accept my horses. I also have some splatter paintings that I want to try to do something with. Three different areas of interest. That should open a door somewhere.

It's hard to believe a week ago the thought of galleries would have been overwhelming and hopeless. I'm feeling ambitious and ready to research places. But I still need to take it one day at a time. This relapse have really taken its toll on me.

Going day by day...

Improving, still improving. That's good. I don't feel so empty right now. That's good. I don't feel tearful and sad right now. That's good. The darkness seem to have passed for right now. I keep saying "right now" because I'm worried the depression will come back. It always come back. And I always try another medicine. I read on the bphope website that with each relapse, there's tweaking the meds. I'm tired of tweaking medicines. There's always a side effect, there's always the adjustment time that takes for days and days. I hate feeling depressed for days. One day is too long. This episode lasted for a month before improving. And I spent most of that time nausea. When low I have no appetite in the first place. So recuperating has been rough because I wasn't nourished physically.

I'm finally eating now. I fill up quickly but I'm snacking. I'm enjoying Halloween chocolates and double stuff Oreos.  My taste buds are still funked up and eating peanut butter sandwiches are hard to swallow but at least I'm eating. I'm even getting my tummy pooch back which does not bother me a bit. It's easier to live with than feeling nausea.

I'm hoping this cocktail of Prozac and Ambilify will be the magic potion. There suppose to play off each other. I think I'm becoming more tolerant to side effects after this episode. So I have the low blood sugar shakes in the mornings. At least it's not nausea. So I get dizzy when I stand up. At least it's not sadness. So I might get akathsia if the Ambilify is increased. At least Xanax works on that. When you feel so empty and hopeless, you're willing to work with anything that boost your feelings.

A better day....

Today is a better day. The depression feels lifted or something. I don't feel like crying unexpectedly, moving around doesn't feel heavy and exhausting, my eyes are more awake, and life doesn't seem bleak. Although I still feel I'm not fully capable to handle the girls on my own. But I have taken on more responsibilities. I took Celeste to the orthodontist and a trip the Walmart where I spent way too much money. At one point, on the way home, I wanted to break down and drive no more because I began to feel weak and incapable again. I pushed through it. That's another point in recovery.

Today I finished a painting. A simple black and white portrait of a horse. Nonetheless, another point for recovery. I'm having to force myself a bit to be motivated and productive but it's better than before. The combination of Prozac and Ambilify might be the magic cocktail.

I have to say I'm still watching the time. I worry that I can't fill the time. I have spent so long just sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the TV that I worry I will find myself bored and unfilled. The girls' schedule make up most of my day. I have my artwork to occupy me while the girls are at school. My low interest in my art has me worried I'm left with nothing but occasional housework and talk shows. I need to be something more, have something else with life than just being a mom. The girls are growing up and they're schedule will not depend on me like it does now. I need to produce paintings. Build a business at home, work my own schedule, feel productive and contributing. Heaven knows I probably could never work outside the home especially after this episode. I hate having to feel disabled. It's one of those aspects of this illness that I have to come to terms. I don't want to accept that I can't function at times. Fortunately I have a husband who understands I may never work full-time at a job.

I do have a part-time job as an adjunct art instructor for USU. So far I have managed to keep the moods outside of the classroom. I have been hypomanic which made the lecture entertaining as well as quick. I managed to keep the lows from being obvious. My lecture does slow down which is probably a good thing for learning. Being in front of students forces me to mask the mood. So far I haven't had the terrible depression during the semester. Which is good to have it now if at all before the Spring semester begins. Although I worry that I won't be up to speed when class starts but I tell myself that I have two months to be functional. I should be ready by that time, cross my fingers.

In the meantime, do this recovery thing. Do at least one project every day to feel productive and capable. Today is a better day.

Days getting better...

I'm improving. The Ambilify is kicking in to where I don't feel tearful and discouraged. I'm moving around a bit more, time doesn't seem to drag. I still count down to bedtime when I can finally sleep and feel unstressed. I want to sleep all day. Lay in bed and watch TV. Moving around is just draining and I want that feeling to go away. I miss feeling energetic and motivated. I could handle one of my irritable episodes better than this depression. At least I would have some fire in me and I can always take a Xanax.

Writing this blog is draining but I'm trying to keep busy, forcing myself to do something. But I've been advised to take it easy and that it is okay because I'm still recovering. Steve described recovering as to a surgical procedure. Surgery would be alot easier to deal with, at least I would have a physical wound that would make sense. It would make more sense for Jared. He has been wonderful taking up the slack from me being down. He doesn't understand the feelings because it makes more sense to snap out of it. But he has participated in my counseling sessions lately and that has helped get a perspective of this illness. I'm lucky to have him. He has been so patient with me.

Well, I've seen some results. Still not quite there. Steve said to give it another week to see if my meds need more adjustment. They're causing mild nausea and the low blood sugar shakes which I'm hoping will be temporary while I get use to the drugs in my system. I have noticed I yawn more. I'm not sedated anymore by the Saphris so sleep has begun to allude me. Good reason for the daytime sleepiness.

Roller coaster...

It has been quite the roller coaster the past couple months. I reduced the dosage of the Buspar so I could wake up in the morning with the girls. Unfortunately that lead to the depression from May seeping in again. So I was recommended trying Viibyrd because it kicks in quickly and doesn't have the sedation effect. The first week was okay with just tummy grumbles. Diarrhea was the common adjustment side effect. Then the second week kicked my butt. Apparently I was blindsided with nausea when I increased the dosage. I haven't even made it to the maintenance level and I was throwing up toast. The nausea hit me so hard and sudden that I asked my mom to help out with dinner and the girls while Jared was at work. All I could do was lay in bed and feel miserable. Not helpful with the depression. Steve told me it was transitory, give it three days to subside. It subsided a little, not enough.

I missed out on the camping trip that weekend. The stupid nausea and diarrhea wasn't going to let it happen. Jared was brave and actually took the girls on his own. They traveled to Goblin Valley to meet up with Jeff and Melanie's family. What was weird is that my family left, leaving me time to myself to do whatever, and I panicked. I became distraught not being able to make sure the girls were safe. I also felt abandoned. Leaving me alone was probably not a good idea because I was depressed and sick. I have never realized how dependent I was on my family's schedule. Instead of using that time to be creative, I felt alone and anxious. All I felt like doing was watching TV while watching the time move slowly.

Time has really slowed down. Each tick feels excruciating because I feel I'm wasting my time. Motivation is zip, nada, nothing. It's painful just to move. I just want to lay in bed and sleep away this depression. I was in bad shape Monday. I went off the Viibyrd because the nausea was too much to work with and I increased the Prozac. Unfortunately the Prozac takes a long time to build up in the system. So I was left feeling hopeless, a dark hole. I called Steve and we decided to try Ambilify again. Anything that will left me quickly. I remembered the Ambilify seemed to have worked in a matter of a couple of days when I was in the hospital. I don't even care that I get akatisia from it. I'll work with it this time. Anything would be better than this dark hole. Dealing with restlessness is easier, at least I would be moving.

Now with increased Prozac and Ambilify on board, I'm apparently dumping way too much serotonin into my system. I'm nausea again. I decreased the Prozac last night since I increased the Ambilify dosage two nights ago. Steve said it was okay to do. It might even get to the point of taking out the Prozac if I'm responding to the Ambilify. I just want to eat again. I looked in the mirror last night and noticed a weight difference from being nausea for over two weeks.

So here I am - nausea but feeling out of the hole which seemed like was never going to happen. Jared has been great. He has been patient with me. He vented to Steve. I think he understands a bit better in what we are dealing with, why I feel like staying in bed. He even took off work for a couple of weeks while I get myself together. We're treating the depression as if recovering from surgery. I have felt less guilty thinking of recovery as such. I just want to feel immediate results. This depression has gone on way too long.

It's been awhile...

I have onion eyes tonight. I have been drying onions it seems for the past month. My onions in my grow boxes have done quite well, I've gotten some really fat ones out of the bunch. I won't need to grow onions for years because i have so much dried onions in storage. They are good to have for cooking and especially when fresh onions can go bad in a short time. I just don't cook with onions often enough to use up a fresh onion before it either sprouts green roots or black slime.

Enough about onions, I'm surprised I have had time to cut onions to dry. This summer has been excruciating to get through. The kids have been around each other way too much. They have picked at each other from boredom. Savannah and Sierra have this copycat annoying antagonism thing going on to the point of Sierra screaming. I'm tired of going to the pool and sitting for 2 to 3 hours watching everyone get wet and look good in swimsuits. I'm tired of beating myself up for allowing the kids to play on electronic devices for 2 to 3 hours because I don't know what else to do with them.

I'm still lingering in my blue episode...it's gotten better but still lingers. My motivation umph is zip. Although when I do have the kids on a computer occupied, I do try to paint or draw something. But only if I'm on my xanax. The increased dosage of the buspar has created that restless feeling that can drive me crazy with that pacing feeling and not motivated to do anything. It is a mess. I've been sleeping in real late in the mornings mostly because I feel like a drug hangover and I'm avoiding bored kids in the morning. If I could make the day go by faster, I would stay in bed all day. But that won't be happening. I have rearranged my nightly dosage to 15 instead of 30 to see a difference and that seems to be working. I'm not as groggy in the morning and I'm functioning earlier in the morning...still don't want to get out of bed to face the day but now I think I can wake up to get the kids ready for school. Just one more day! They need social interaction, challenges, activities, recess, something other than go around the house watching TV and irritating each other.

Maybe with school starting and beginning to have time to myself to try to function I'll get myself together, get this house together better, produce artwork and get that together, write in my blog more often. I have so much hanging on school starting...I hope it's not a disappointment.

Watching Ice Age...

Ice Age: The Meltdown is on the TV and I'm the only one in the room. And I'm watching it rather than changing the channel. That could mean I either really appreciate animated movies or I don't know how to watch adult shows anymore. I have one child on the computer, one on the IPad, and the other playing with a cousin over at Grammy's, so I could change the channel. But I do like these characters and Dr. Phil will be coming on in a few minutes. And the episode will probably have sexual content viewer discretion, needing the channel to be switched over to a kids' show.

It has been a full week since school has let out for the girls. It has been a long week. My girls can't seem to entertain themselves. They probably could if I allowed them to play on the computer all day. But the rule is no more than an hour a day. Sometimes I let it slide for a few extra minutes on days when I need to keep them separated. Like today. Celeste isn't here so Sierra and Savannah follow each other just to annoy each other. I tell them to separate, so what do they do, they squeeze into the other's hulahoop space. They get that from Jared's side of the family because my side kept to ourselves when we were bored or irritable.

Well, I'm hoping today I will be less irritable this evening. I have plans for me and Jared to reconnect with dinner for two and playing tourists on the Moab strip. The girls are staying over at Grammy's house, luckily with my brother and his youngest daughter there to entertain. That means we can stay out late and have the house to ourselves - maybe even sleep in! We have been married for 15 years and I feel the need to connect with just him because all we have been doing is working and managing kids. We need to talk about something else.

Sipping tea...

Kids are in bed...husband watching 127 Hours on his laptop...dogs are comfortably lying on the floor...watching a new show titled "Motive"...sipping honey vanilla chamomile tea. Actually it is too hot to sip just yet so I thought I would write. I'm feeling agitated again, the usual evening mood that is becoming the norm. I'm hoping the tea will quiet me down. I'm using a smaller mug for a more concentrated dose of herbal anxiety reducer.

I watched my oldest daughter do standup today for the middle school's talent show. Brian Regan was her choice which works for me because he is one of the few family-friendly comedians around. She did good considering she only practiced her lines one night. She had the pauses, the vocal and facial expressions, and the hand gestures right on cue. There were giggles in the audience and cheers at the end. Good work my funny girl!

Taking on irritability...

Today has been quite the battle with the irritable monster. Irritable this morning for feeling groggy. Irritable with the idea of cleaning house for upcoming weekend guests. Irritable with Sierra's quick temper that has blossomed this past couple weeks. Irritable with Celeste for not gathering all the details she needs for the middle school's triathlon that she did not train for at all. Although, through complete stubborn determination that she apparently inherited from me, she managed to complete her course - not the best time but she finished without quitting - I'm proud of her. Continuing the irritability with my youngest two antagonizing each other to screaming point. Irritable with the odor caused by my old dog and young one who knows better than to pee in the house. Irritable with the complaints made by Jared about the cat pooping on his canyoneering gear. I don't know why and I can't seem to figure out a way to make her stop. I just think she smells the outdoors and uses it.

And now I'm irritable because I have to stay up and wait for our in-law guests to arrive. Jared has been up for over 24 hours because of stupid drunks and he needs to go to bed but I hate having to be the social one. I'm irritable if I have to be sociable! This social anxiety thing has gone on long enough but I can't seem to snap out of it. I just feel awkward.

The house is quiet for right now so the monster is sleeping. I have vented. I feel calmer. Hopefully the monster will be quiet tomorrow as I'm left watching a strong-willed five year old and fiery four year old, her cousin, while everyone one else goes play in the canyons. Lucky me.

Rough couple of days...

Well...I'm on another drug. Buspar. At first I thought my counselor called it boostbar, sounding like some energy bar for hikers. The blahs were becoming too low and nothing was punching me out of it. I had a wonderful Mother's Day - a sweet note from my husband telling me I'm the one that keeps the family together, a cute handmade pony from my oldest, a cheerful card from my middle child, and a darling story from my youngest calling me sweet as a marshmellow. There were only about three flare ups from the girls and they don't grasp the concept of letting Mom take a nap but the day went well. I also received a beautiful photo of the Provo Temple from church. One of the Bishopric actually took the time to find out all the mothers' place of personal endowment and his daughter photographed those temples. I was also sealed to my parents in the Provo Temple as well so that is another added affection to that temple.

However, on Monday, I felt tearful all day, unmotivated, self-abusive, flat out sad. I was feeling worse than just a blue day. Now I say to myself that decreasing the Saphris was probably a bad move but I was having these kind of days even at 10mg. I was close to throwing out all meds into the outside trash can, be done, I was fed up, nothing was ever gong to work for me.

I did the opposite pattern of the past of decarding my meds and actually called my counselor hoping something could change. He returned my message on Tuesday and mentioned the "boostbar" - an anti-anxiety pill that will supplement the antidepressant. I'm taking too many pills now. I even had to take a Xanax earlier to chill me because I got flared up by something eating my flowers that I just planted. Basils are zipped, zapped, stubs. Then I found more of my herbs nipped at the tops, new growth gone. I don't even know if they will continue to grow. Frustrating to spend so much money for a pest to feast. I'm hoping the baby powder dusted on the plants will deter whatever it is.

Anyways, the new med seems to have worked because I survived a field trip with kindergarteners today. A trip to the Bluff Fort in my hometown of Bluff. My old house is so not the same anymore and I miss the red rock views from the front yard. It was like summertime there since it is about 2,000 feet lower in elevation from Blanding. Me and Sierra got to see old pioneer cabins and antique furniture and household items. It is fascinating to see how simple life was and yet I would have been a total wimp living the way they did. I like my big house with a heating and cooling and running water, especially when it comes to the bathroom. I could not do an outhouse...yew. And I love my daily showers.

Amazing enough, I was able to work on an encaustic painting this afternoon. I have this black abstract painting with red lines cut into the background of foggy blue mingling with the black. At the bottom left is a black beetle spotlighted in white. The bug represents being lost in the darkness because those common beetles always seem to be wandering aimlessly. The painting symbolizes the depression I was feeling on Monday - feeling lost, dark, and frustrated represented by the jagged red lines. It is becoming easier to work on my wax paintings because I can turn on the heat and leave them to whenever I have a few minutes to focus on a layer. I'm thinking of re-working the black on the bottom portion and leaving a foggy blue horizontal section instead of a encircling white spotlight on the insect. I'll figure out something. At least it feels close to being done.

Still have the blue tack...

This low is not lifting...again. It's more of a dysthemic low - not too low but not leveled, just blah. I have to remind myself that in the evenings I will feel more blah than during the day. The Saphris begins to wear off around dinner time. But today it was Depeche Mode mood. I only wanted to listen to dark and twisted music. I know I shouldn't hear music that only intensifies my mood but any other will just annoy me - I tried it. I love Depeche Mode. They have a dark, dramatic sound that grabs at my soul and pulls on it. They fill my head with fantasies, dramatic stories, that are dark and yet have a slight light of hope. That's what I want - a light of hope that will take me out of this slump. And yet, at times I would miss the darkness because I feel I can only be the most creative when I am dark. It is a constant internal battle. I need to go to bed.

Oh, the blue tack is the color for low, sad, depressed. I post it on my peg board for Jared to have a heads up on my mood since we only seem to see each other in passing on many days. Okay, now I'm going to bed. I'm going to take only half the pill tonight to see if there is a difference in the dragging mood. Maybe less dragging will mean less low. I'm not hopeful at this point but why not.  At least this time I have told Jared that I was dissatisfied with my meds instead of silently dealing with it.

Popcorn!

I just bought a fancy popcorn machine! Jared needed a gift idea for Mother's Day so I took care of that. Lately I have found it to be okay and just as exciting to buy my own present for occasions. I still want my husband to put in an effort like cooking dinner and coordinating the kids. And he still surprises me sometimes with windchimes or an ipod, but I know he has been extremely busy this past month thinking and doing business things. So I cut him a break and got my own present. I know I don't need a present but what fun would that be?

The Today Show had these popcorn makers on Jill's Steals and Deals of the Day that were 1950s retro that could fit on my counter. I already have two popcorn makers but one is in a box in the shed and the other is just way noisy. Hopefully this air popper will not be as noisy. But it will look so cute sitting on my kitchen counter. I'm thinking of moving the fish tank to the entry way and putting the popcorn maker on the counter by the cabinets. That way I can stress less over the fish tank leaving a water stain on the counter top.

So in a week, I'll have my popcorn maker...just in time for summer family movie nights!

Blogs...

The bphope site has some great blogs this week. http://www.bphope.com/bphopeblog/
I especially like the "stadium in my head". It reminds me of a stadium concert moreso than a sporting event. When I get too low, the noises in my head become too loud. When I'm reaching a high, the noise is intoxicating, like a U2 or Linkin Park concert. Either way, it disrupts my sleeping pattern and I pay for it the following day. Like today. I was up late last night working on another clay horse that I will probably toss out. So now I'm feeling blah this morning and can't seem to get motivated to do anything.

To counteract that problem, I'm writing and then I'm going to go buy pretty flowers to embellish my new house and new gardens.

A horse and anxiety...

I have been making horse sculptures and I believe they are causing some unnecessary anxiety. I want them to be perfect. I want the clay to work with me. I want the mosaic of glass pieces to turn out right. I want these horse to turn out what I see in my head. But nothing seems to be working and I'm wasting materials because they cannot be reused. Once they are are dry, that's it. The first horse is having issues with its legs. The second one seems shaped funny and I can't seem to form it just right.

I'm trying to make them into masterpieces and they are only turning out to be school practice pieces. I want to sculpt but seeing these horses are causing my heart to panic. Why is that? I'm already fighting an anxiety phase so these horses are not helping.

I need to weld again. I use to find it easier to take scrap pieces of metal and burn the heck out of them into a form. I could be more expressive with the form of the horse rather than pressure myself to capture exact features in the clay.

I want to throw them out and pretend I never wasted the material. I don't know why I can't relax and just see them as play pieces, experiments that don't have to lead into masterpieces. It's probably because I don't have a budget with much squirming room. I feel I have to make the money back with the artwork. But it is not like I'm selling artwork out of the wazoo. And with a new house, I have to be extra frugal.

That's it, I'm going to look for scrap metal. I was always happier working in metal. I need to ease this anxiety.

It has been awhile...

Well...it has been longer than I thought since the last time I blogged about anything. Much has happened since July -

• I came off my rebellious high.
• I stopped taking my meds so I could wake up in the morning to get my kids ready for school.
• Fall semester began with two art history classes, majority of the students being high school.
• I didn't tell my husband I went off my meds but at least I told Steve.
• I kept close in touch with Steve because I knew a relapse was going to happen and I refused to take any medication.
• My moods remained steady for four months except for a dysthemic mood that zapped any motivation - hint the lack of blogging.
• My husband found a house for sell that he really liked but I didn't like the price.
• The panic attacks began to return and lasted even until now. That is the longest I have to deal with anxiety attacks. Usually my mood shifts last for about a month but not this time.
• I applied for college - again. This time to the University of Utah, Psychology program. I wanted to get another Bachelor degree.
• After resisting Jared about the house, I finally had a so-called revelation of my children playing in the house and finally told Jared I would like the house.
• Then the paperwork began and that took forever. What we thought was going to be a Christmas present became a Valentine's present.
• The stress in moving finally made me snap and I switched into a low, an angry low. I was so irritable and nothing was changing.
• I admitted once again that I needed medication and allowed myself to try a new drug. Saphris, a temporary fix, mostly for lowering highs but suppose to be good for irritability. The med kicked in pretty quick with the agitation but my low was still lingering. I'm hoping the Prozac was keeping me from dropping too low. I hate lows, I hate feeling unproductive and sluggish.
• I was still teaching for the Spring semester, one art history and one a sculpture class. The sculpture class turned out to be a great group for a first time around. And I learned what it is like to work with someone with a mental disability, a developmental handicap. I was trying to teach a college course to a 10 year old in a twenty-something body.
• I have moved up to 10mg of the Saphris and feeling a bit more leveled now with some hiccups here and there from stress triggers like my cat knocking over my horse sculpture and breaking it to unrepairable sections.
• The girls have done great for the school year. Celeste in 6th, Savannah in 3rd, and little Sierra in Kindergarten. Celeste has been making Honors with her grades, Savannah shows steady improvement when she is not defiant, and Sierra is beginning to read for herself.
• Sierra is going through some sort of growing pain because she is screaming more, a bit more defiant even with her teacher Mrs. Parker, and more clingy than usual. Her clinginess becomes so tiring because I'm interrupted in everything I do, including chores.
• Speaking of Sierra, I need to go pick her up from school. I still don't understand half-day Kindergarten but it works for her.