Off The High

I have been hyped up this month. I began to notice it when I was rebelling against my sleep schedule. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to dance all night, or just do something beside making me stay on schedule. I felt very unsatisfied with life. That feeling is still lingering even after I have come back to mid-line. I was restless. I felt like I needed something more, more to life. A large studio, painting non-stop, visiting galleries, traveling to Santa Fe, creating huge sculptures - I needed something else that wasn't daily grind of laundry, cooking, washing, driving kids, and so on. I'm bored. I have all this energy and no outlet. The Zyprexa worked in putting me to sleep at night and kept me fairly mid-line throughout the morning until mid-afternoon when I felt the "jumpiness". I was a good girl and informed Steve and Jared about the "anticipation" feeling. Steve raised the dosage which I was a bit resistant to do because the mania felt very mild. But he was concern that it would keep rising. Well, he got his way. I was knocked off my high horse and after a week, I could reduce back to mid-line dose.

By the way, the "anticipation" feeling is the feeling you have when you are waiting for a rock concert to begin. It's the happy feeling when you are entering the stage area. It's the happy feeling finding a great spot in the front. It's the joyous feeling when the lights go out, and the rise of excitement seeing your favorite musicians appear on stage. It's the excitement when they come close to your side of the stage. It's the thrill seeing them up close and you can count the buttons on their shirt. That's the feeling I feel when the high is happening. And when the "anticipation" has no results, the frustration monster appears because nothing is satisfying this strong urge. The urge for active stimulation - loudness, speed, physical release, something. So many times I have just wanted to get into the van and speed down the highway to a larger town or city. The speed would match my racing mind and the visual stimulation of urban social activity would feel satisfying - for a little while. For someone who prefers to be alone, I don't get why I seek out social settings to feed my high.

For right now, I'm steady although my "anticipation" feeling has been replaced by the "panic" feeling. That is how I can tell which side of the mood line I am on. Anticipation is the highs and panics are the lows. It has only taken me decades to figure that out. My medicine is kicking in now. Time for sleep.

Quiet house, loud concert in my head

I need loud, I need movement, I need music, I need Linkin Park, I need to be turned on, I need speed, I need something to release this energy. I have been pretty boring for a month. That's why June only has a couple of entries. Although I did feel as though my mania has been peeking out lately. I've been good with my meds, trying to remember to take them earlier than 10pm. But I have begun to notice that by night time my energy spikes, probably from my meds leaving my system by that time. Zyprexa is temporary, it doesn't linger in the system like lithium or Lamictal. I so love Linkin Park. They just came out with their new album titled "Living Things". I'm listening to it right now. Much more synthesized sounds. I just ordered the fifth book of The Mortal Instruments, :The City of Lost Souls". Something to look forward to. I like getting presents in the mail. I also bought the two prequels to the series. Amylia, my sister, says they are good. Why not buy them. Hopefully I will get sucked in. I really want to let loose but the rational side of me is trying to reason with me. Maybe I should take an Ambien tonight. I become high and I feel so creative, although I do have a hard time directing my creativity. I know once I start painting or sculpting, I don't want to be interrupted and with three kids, I get interrupted frequently and I end up yelling at them. So to prevent yelling at them, I don't start painting, then I'm left with this creative energy frustrated because it can't be released. I wait til night time but by the time the kids are finally settled down, it's time to do my bedtime routine. That advice to go to bed the same time every night. Screw that. I like my night time loneliness when I know I can be left alone to be myself, the artistic self. I don't ever want that taken from me. And yet I sit here in bed waiting for my meds to kick in and put me to sleep. Then I'll be sedated for another 24 hours, running on caffeine, counting my calories, and keep myself moving around to stay awake. The cycle continues. There is always a cycle.