I want to throw something

The realm of agitation seemed to have crept in. More likely slammed in. I'm irritated with everything right now. I'm finally by myself and I'm still irritable. And it's not even PMS. I've been reading about triggers lately and I wonder getting frustrated with my kids triggered the agitation. It's not situational agitation, it's lasting, here-to-stay agitation. I hate it. I had to stop painting because I was starting to muddy-up the top half. I'm trying to express mania using color and lines and so far nothing seems to be meshing with the depression half of the painting. In light of this new direction in my abstract paintings, I decided to develop a painting based on the mood level chart Steve always shows me each time I come for a visit. I have the severe, moderate, and mild depression settled but the upper end is not working well together. I think I need more white, then scratch out the red lines. I'll try that tomorrow if I can be left alone. I do notice I become quickly agitated when I feel the creativity pumping and then I'm frequently interrupted by whines, fussing, demanding, and anything else annoying. I'm so tired of the mess around here. I'm tired of having to constantly entertain my kids. They need to use their imagination and un-bore themselves. They need to find something that does not involve pestering each other. I need to just go sit and watch Grimm on TV.

So early

I haven't been awake before 8 am for awhile now. I took less than half a Zyprexa last night so I would be easier to wake up and be somewhat coherent. Sierra came in about 6:30 to sneak into bed with me. That woke me up even more because she tosses a lot before settling down for 5 minutes. With Jared working nights, her bouncing stresses me because I want Jared to sleep. So the one choice I have besides laying in bed until 7 is the get up at 6:42 and shoo Sierra out of the room. Celeste was already doing her morning routine and waking up Savannah because they have Track Camp this morning. Why does it have to be at 8:00? 9 would have been better. Although it would not have mattered with this crowd because they always get up with the sun. They could stay up to 3 in the morning and still wake up before 7 am. And it's summer vacation, they should be sleeping in some. But not these kids. Although they have been good about letting me sleep, some days I stay in bed to 9.

It's almost 8, got to go.

Been awhile....

My laptop has gone kerplunk and I'm overly cautious about using my husband's laptop because it's the newest thing in our house. Plus he's overly protective with it. But I'm using it anyways. He can learn to trust me. After blogging then I'm going to play on YouTube. Linkin Park has their new song out called "Burn It Down". Love the song! It has more of the tremble synthesized sound rather than the deep bass and guitar. It's interesting listening to how their music has evolved over the years. Their earlier songs expressed darkness, frustration, and emotional angst with relationships, particularly parental ones. Now their more recent work seems to have a type of political feeling - maybe not political but more social commentary type. Whatever it may be, they leave the lyrics vague enough to allow your own personal interpretation and relation.

My own artwork has been changing as well. I just painted two abstracts inspired by Mark Rothko, an Abstract Expressionist from the 1950s. He would paint these large areas of a single color and place large colored rectangles creating like a window or a doorway into another realm that only your mind could take you. Reminding myself of what my instructors always told me - simplify your compositions - I painted a large area of one color but with many value variations and a second smaller area with one color. I think of landscapes, barren landscapes. I apply an accent color like a red line in between the two colors for some variation in interest. My focus is on texture and color. I should have done that for my Final Thesis - the exploration of imagery through texture and color. They're simple to paint so I'm suspicious if they are good or not. I need for them to been seen so I can receive some kind of input. I'm going to start looking more into the gallery scene in Salt Lake because my art ain't doing any good sitting in the coat closet. I'm still working on my prescription paintings. They're encaustic paintings expressing how each drug made me feel and the side effects I tolerated or not tolerated.

I'm getting sleepy now. The Zyprexa is kicking in finally. I hate the sedated feeling in the morning but if that is the only side effect, I'll take it. It's better than the others.