On my own...

Well, today is the test. Jared is at work, working in Monticello, 20 miles away, SWAT training at 5pm, not going to be home until probably around 7pm. Me on the other hand has to rely on my strength to take care of the girls. And they have a Halloween party tonight. Which means I have to be sociable. Which means I'm going to feel exhausted by bedtime. And when I feel exhausted I feel down. One thing after the other.

But so far I'm cooking dinner, helping Celeste with her homework, and watching the other two play on the computers. I beat myself up for allowing so much computer time but with me recuperating, it keeps them busy. I tell myself they are only on the computers for an hour and half. That's not too much is it?

Then after dinner which is about 5:30, Celeste will go to the church at 6pm to set up for the party. Then at 6:15, I will help Savannah and Sierra dress up in their costumes to go to the party at 6:30. Spend about an hour there, come home, brush hair, and put Sierra into bed, then Savannah, then Celeste at 9pm. Then I can relax, feel exhausted, and ready myself for another night of little sleep, With Jared coming in at 1am and Sierra possibly coming in at 3 or 5 or 6:30 or all three times. You can tell I'm still counting down the time. Any down time means possible fighting among the girls. I still don't want to handle that.

It's going to be hard in the morning because I will be on my own again. Jared will need to sleep which means he won't be there to watch the girls at breakfast time and take them to school. I haven't taken them to school for over two weeks. Hopefully I will be fine.

Happy for Monday...

I'm probably the only person who likes Mondays. The kids are back in school, the house is quiet, and it's five days before the next weekend. I love my kids but they can make a day feel soooo long. Sundays are the worse. They're kept busy with church in the morning but the afternoon can be a headache, literally. We take a break from technology so all they do is watch TV. That would be fine except they get fussy after awhile. All Sunday afternoon and evening is way too much TV for one day so of course they get cranky. We all become cranky. But what gets me is that they won't use their imagination and find something else to do beside aggravate each other. They could draw, play with Legos, read a book, play with dolls, organize their room, something. I keep hoping as they grow older, they will self-motivate themselves instead of me coming up with the entertainment. However, Celeste is 12 years old and she still waits for me to come up with something. If I don't, then she just watches TV. Then she gets grumpy after too much TV. Then we are right back to what frustrates me about Sundays. And Sierra, when she gets bored, she is unbearable to be around because she just irritates for fun.

So, yes, Mondays are wonderful. I may not sleep well and have to get up at 7am, but I can lay back down after the kids are out of the house. I really need to work on a painting but I can't seem to get myself motivated to start. Usually once I put the paint on the palette I will keep going until the girls come home. But I'm always hesitant about starting because I feel as though I will not do well capturing the shadows and highlights with the paint. I have proof that I have been doing alright but I'm nervous each time I begin. I really want to work on an encaustic painting, make my own mood chart, but I'm waiting on materials to arrive by FedEx. It's aggravating sometimes when I'm in the mood for abstraction and all I could work on is representational. That increases my anxiety about starting another horse painting because my heart is not in it right now. But I need to work, whatever it may be.

Spending...

I have spent too much the past couple of days. Spent alot at the grocery store. Spent money and extra shipping for two costumes to make sure they will be here before Halloween. Celeste couldn't even get her arms in her costume from last year. The weed. And Savannah is in the super hero mood. I wasn't even going to get Savannah a costume because she has several to choose from past years but after catching Celeste getting what she wanted, I felt I needed to be fair. I told her no last night but this morning I went ahead and found her a Spider girl costume with red tights. I'm just going to surprise her with it and say I found it in town and not let her think I bought it. Let's see if I can get away with that.

Spent too much money on the movie The Croods so that the girls will have a movie to agree on for Saturday movie night. Spent too much money for four pumpkins because I didn't get them when they were on sale for 19 cents per pound. But the girls need to continue the tradition of carving pumpkins before Halloween. These holiday months are expensive. And I'm already shopping for Christmas!

I asked the girls at dinnertime what they wanted for Christmas and all I heard was an Ipad, robot tiger, and a pony. Not what I was wanting to hear. So now I'm left guessing and waiting for them to make comments over commercials that are going to bombard the TV right after Halloween. But I want to know something now so I can be done, now.

Christmas shopping...

I have the credit card and browsing websites. I want to start finding Christmas presents now so I don't have to worry about it later. Although the girls always manage to come up with a favorite item just days before Christmas. And I'm left paying for express shipping just to get it here in time. Living in a rural town make for interesting shopping, more likely limited shopping. Thank goodness for the Internet and access to stores online.

So far I have ordered books for Christmas. Always need the gift of books for Christmas. Although, I'm probably more interested in the children's books than Sierra will be. I love Splat the Cat. The illustrations are warm and funny. I'm a sucker for children book illustrations. The words are even well written and interesting for a story. Splat is just cute. But I know Sierra will read them so they won't go to waste - hopefully. If she doesn't enjoy them, I will.

I also got a Spiderman comic book for Savannah and the new Wimpy Kid for Celeste. I know Celeste will still want the Wimpy Kid by Christmas because it will complete her series. Hopefully Savannah will still like super heroes until then.

I'm anxious to buy some more toys but I'm not sure what they would want now. Celeste is probably going to get clothes. I don't think Savannah is into Monster High anymore. And I'm not sure which Monster High doll Sierra would want. And what else would they want? Christmas is going to be sad if they don't start giving me hints. I do want to give them these hats with ears and mittens attached I saw at Walmart. They look like they would have fun with them. They could be the gift from Mom and Dad. But what else? This is going to drive me crazy. Maybe I could ask them what they want for Christmas this afternoon to satisfy this urge to shop. Although I need to be cautious about how much of an urge to shop so I don't overspend. I'm not on a hypo so maybe I'll be just fine.

Scored a 14...

Had my visit with Steve today. He has me fill out a questionnaire each time to determine my level of depression. I was a 27 two weeks ago, 24 a week ago, and today I'm a 14! The closer I get to 5, the better. That means the Ambilify is doing its job. We're raising the dosage and decreasing the Prozac. At this point, the Prozac is just frivolous because the Ambilify has obviously made a difference. Now with the increase, I wonder if the akathsia will kick in. I already have shaky hands. I hope it doesn't get worst because then there will be the question of living with it or not. After this dark depression, I will most likely live with the side effect. There is always Xanax to calm the nerves.

I've actually finished a couple of paintings the past two days. One abstract, one another horse. The abstract piece reflects the nausea I dealt with for two weeks. It's covered in greens, black, and reddish browns with red-orange lines swirling for a queasy effect. The green is a sick green. The black is the depression. The reddish brown represents pukiness. The red-orange was a good complementary color to all the greens. And there some blue symbolizing feeling sad. I don't know if the painting is done. It seems dull in some light, good contrast in other light. Encaustic paintings are so dependent of light and how they reflect. I'm letting it sit for awhile before calling it done. I might be firing up the paints tomorrow to dabble some more. The circular lines are still questionable if they fit in the painting or not.

The other painting is another horse, a paint with a very inquisitive expression. The colors were simple and I enhanced the shadows with brillant blue. Then I made the background a saturated yellow to vibrate with the cobalt blue. The brushstrokes are a bit loose because my hands are shaky and plus I just want to experiment with dabs of color and features. I have John Nieto in mind when I paint. His work is so colorful and expressive, very inspiring. I'm hoping with this series of paintings that I could grab a gallery to sell them. It seems to only take a couple days to paint a horse on an 18x18 canvas, so I could make three in a week. If I'm motivated. The motivation level is not quite there yet. Maybe with the dosage increase it will return.

Now I need to go shopping on DickBlick.com to order more canvases to keep up my pace. I'm probably going to buy some gesso boards for my encaustics instead of making my own wood panels. It just more convenient to have them already made. I need to do something with these abstract paintings. I have a good collection, now I just need to gather up the nerve to introduce them to the art world. Horses are easier to sell, abstracts are harder to accept. If I can find a place that specializes in abstracts maybe I will have a chance. Of course I need to find a place that would accept my horses. I also have some splatter paintings that I want to try to do something with. Three different areas of interest. That should open a door somewhere.

It's hard to believe a week ago the thought of galleries would have been overwhelming and hopeless. I'm feeling ambitious and ready to research places. But I still need to take it one day at a time. This relapse have really taken its toll on me.

Going day by day...

Improving, still improving. That's good. I don't feel so empty right now. That's good. I don't feel tearful and sad right now. That's good. The darkness seem to have passed for right now. I keep saying "right now" because I'm worried the depression will come back. It always come back. And I always try another medicine. I read on the bphope website that with each relapse, there's tweaking the meds. I'm tired of tweaking medicines. There's always a side effect, there's always the adjustment time that takes for days and days. I hate feeling depressed for days. One day is too long. This episode lasted for a month before improving. And I spent most of that time nausea. When low I have no appetite in the first place. So recuperating has been rough because I wasn't nourished physically.

I'm finally eating now. I fill up quickly but I'm snacking. I'm enjoying Halloween chocolates and double stuff Oreos.  My taste buds are still funked up and eating peanut butter sandwiches are hard to swallow but at least I'm eating. I'm even getting my tummy pooch back which does not bother me a bit. It's easier to live with than feeling nausea.

I'm hoping this cocktail of Prozac and Ambilify will be the magic potion. There suppose to play off each other. I think I'm becoming more tolerant to side effects after this episode. So I have the low blood sugar shakes in the mornings. At least it's not nausea. So I get dizzy when I stand up. At least it's not sadness. So I might get akathsia if the Ambilify is increased. At least Xanax works on that. When you feel so empty and hopeless, you're willing to work with anything that boost your feelings.

A better day....

Today is a better day. The depression feels lifted or something. I don't feel like crying unexpectedly, moving around doesn't feel heavy and exhausting, my eyes are more awake, and life doesn't seem bleak. Although I still feel I'm not fully capable to handle the girls on my own. But I have taken on more responsibilities. I took Celeste to the orthodontist and a trip the Walmart where I spent way too much money. At one point, on the way home, I wanted to break down and drive no more because I began to feel weak and incapable again. I pushed through it. That's another point in recovery.

Today I finished a painting. A simple black and white portrait of a horse. Nonetheless, another point for recovery. I'm having to force myself a bit to be motivated and productive but it's better than before. The combination of Prozac and Ambilify might be the magic cocktail.

I have to say I'm still watching the time. I worry that I can't fill the time. I have spent so long just sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the TV that I worry I will find myself bored and unfilled. The girls' schedule make up most of my day. I have my artwork to occupy me while the girls are at school. My low interest in my art has me worried I'm left with nothing but occasional housework and talk shows. I need to be something more, have something else with life than just being a mom. The girls are growing up and they're schedule will not depend on me like it does now. I need to produce paintings. Build a business at home, work my own schedule, feel productive and contributing. Heaven knows I probably could never work outside the home especially after this episode. I hate having to feel disabled. It's one of those aspects of this illness that I have to come to terms. I don't want to accept that I can't function at times. Fortunately I have a husband who understands I may never work full-time at a job.

I do have a part-time job as an adjunct art instructor for USU. So far I have managed to keep the moods outside of the classroom. I have been hypomanic which made the lecture entertaining as well as quick. I managed to keep the lows from being obvious. My lecture does slow down which is probably a good thing for learning. Being in front of students forces me to mask the mood. So far I haven't had the terrible depression during the semester. Which is good to have it now if at all before the Spring semester begins. Although I worry that I won't be up to speed when class starts but I tell myself that I have two months to be functional. I should be ready by that time, cross my fingers.

In the meantime, do this recovery thing. Do at least one project every day to feel productive and capable. Today is a better day.

Days getting better...

I'm improving. The Ambilify is kicking in to where I don't feel tearful and discouraged. I'm moving around a bit more, time doesn't seem to drag. I still count down to bedtime when I can finally sleep and feel unstressed. I want to sleep all day. Lay in bed and watch TV. Moving around is just draining and I want that feeling to go away. I miss feeling energetic and motivated. I could handle one of my irritable episodes better than this depression. At least I would have some fire in me and I can always take a Xanax.

Writing this blog is draining but I'm trying to keep busy, forcing myself to do something. But I've been advised to take it easy and that it is okay because I'm still recovering. Steve described recovering as to a surgical procedure. Surgery would be alot easier to deal with, at least I would have a physical wound that would make sense. It would make more sense for Jared. He has been wonderful taking up the slack from me being down. He doesn't understand the feelings because it makes more sense to snap out of it. But he has participated in my counseling sessions lately and that has helped get a perspective of this illness. I'm lucky to have him. He has been so patient with me.

Well, I've seen some results. Still not quite there. Steve said to give it another week to see if my meds need more adjustment. They're causing mild nausea and the low blood sugar shakes which I'm hoping will be temporary while I get use to the drugs in my system. I have noticed I yawn more. I'm not sedated anymore by the Saphris so sleep has begun to allude me. Good reason for the daytime sleepiness.

Roller coaster...

It has been quite the roller coaster the past couple months. I reduced the dosage of the Buspar so I could wake up in the morning with the girls. Unfortunately that lead to the depression from May seeping in again. So I was recommended trying Viibyrd because it kicks in quickly and doesn't have the sedation effect. The first week was okay with just tummy grumbles. Diarrhea was the common adjustment side effect. Then the second week kicked my butt. Apparently I was blindsided with nausea when I increased the dosage. I haven't even made it to the maintenance level and I was throwing up toast. The nausea hit me so hard and sudden that I asked my mom to help out with dinner and the girls while Jared was at work. All I could do was lay in bed and feel miserable. Not helpful with the depression. Steve told me it was transitory, give it three days to subside. It subsided a little, not enough.

I missed out on the camping trip that weekend. The stupid nausea and diarrhea wasn't going to let it happen. Jared was brave and actually took the girls on his own. They traveled to Goblin Valley to meet up with Jeff and Melanie's family. What was weird is that my family left, leaving me time to myself to do whatever, and I panicked. I became distraught not being able to make sure the girls were safe. I also felt abandoned. Leaving me alone was probably not a good idea because I was depressed and sick. I have never realized how dependent I was on my family's schedule. Instead of using that time to be creative, I felt alone and anxious. All I felt like doing was watching TV while watching the time move slowly.

Time has really slowed down. Each tick feels excruciating because I feel I'm wasting my time. Motivation is zip, nada, nothing. It's painful just to move. I just want to lay in bed and sleep away this depression. I was in bad shape Monday. I went off the Viibyrd because the nausea was too much to work with and I increased the Prozac. Unfortunately the Prozac takes a long time to build up in the system. So I was left feeling hopeless, a dark hole. I called Steve and we decided to try Ambilify again. Anything that will left me quickly. I remembered the Ambilify seemed to have worked in a matter of a couple of days when I was in the hospital. I don't even care that I get akatisia from it. I'll work with it this time. Anything would be better than this dark hole. Dealing with restlessness is easier, at least I would be moving.

Now with increased Prozac and Ambilify on board, I'm apparently dumping way too much serotonin into my system. I'm nausea again. I decreased the Prozac last night since I increased the Ambilify dosage two nights ago. Steve said it was okay to do. It might even get to the point of taking out the Prozac if I'm responding to the Ambilify. I just want to eat again. I looked in the mirror last night and noticed a weight difference from being nausea for over two weeks.

So here I am - nausea but feeling out of the hole which seemed like was never going to happen. Jared has been great. He has been patient with me. He vented to Steve. I think he understands a bit better in what we are dealing with, why I feel like staying in bed. He even took off work for a couple of weeks while I get myself together. We're treating the depression as if recovering from surgery. I have felt less guilty thinking of recovery as such. I just want to feel immediate results. This depression has gone on way too long.