Off The High

I have been hyped up this month. I began to notice it when I was rebelling against my sleep schedule. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to dance all night, or just do something beside making me stay on schedule. I felt very unsatisfied with life. That feeling is still lingering even after I have come back to mid-line. I was restless. I felt like I needed something more, more to life. A large studio, painting non-stop, visiting galleries, traveling to Santa Fe, creating huge sculptures - I needed something else that wasn't daily grind of laundry, cooking, washing, driving kids, and so on. I'm bored. I have all this energy and no outlet. The Zyprexa worked in putting me to sleep at night and kept me fairly mid-line throughout the morning until mid-afternoon when I felt the "jumpiness". I was a good girl and informed Steve and Jared about the "anticipation" feeling. Steve raised the dosage which I was a bit resistant to do because the mania felt very mild. But he was concern that it would keep rising. Well, he got his way. I was knocked off my high horse and after a week, I could reduce back to mid-line dose.

By the way, the "anticipation" feeling is the feeling you have when you are waiting for a rock concert to begin. It's the happy feeling when you are entering the stage area. It's the happy feeling finding a great spot in the front. It's the joyous feeling when the lights go out, and the rise of excitement seeing your favorite musicians appear on stage. It's the excitement when they come close to your side of the stage. It's the thrill seeing them up close and you can count the buttons on their shirt. That's the feeling I feel when the high is happening. And when the "anticipation" has no results, the frustration monster appears because nothing is satisfying this strong urge. The urge for active stimulation - loudness, speed, physical release, something. So many times I have just wanted to get into the van and speed down the highway to a larger town or city. The speed would match my racing mind and the visual stimulation of urban social activity would feel satisfying - for a little while. For someone who prefers to be alone, I don't get why I seek out social settings to feed my high.

For right now, I'm steady although my "anticipation" feeling has been replaced by the "panic" feeling. That is how I can tell which side of the mood line I am on. Anticipation is the highs and panics are the lows. It has only taken me decades to figure that out. My medicine is kicking in now. Time for sleep.