Well...I'm on another drug. Buspar. At first I thought my counselor called it boostbar, sounding like some energy bar for hikers. The blahs were becoming too low and nothing was punching me out of it. I had a wonderful Mother's Day - a sweet note from my husband telling me I'm the one that keeps the family together, a cute handmade pony from my oldest, a cheerful card from my middle child, and a darling story from my youngest calling me sweet as a marshmellow. There were only about three flare ups from the girls and they don't grasp the concept of letting Mom take a nap but the day went well. I also received a beautiful photo of the Provo Temple from church. One of the Bishopric actually took the time to find out all the mothers' place of personal endowment and his daughter photographed those temples. I was also sealed to my parents in the Provo Temple as well so that is another added affection to that temple.
However, on Monday, I felt tearful all day, unmotivated, self-abusive, flat out sad. I was feeling worse than just a blue day. Now I say to myself that decreasing the Saphris was probably a bad move but I was having these kind of days even at 10mg. I was close to throwing out all meds into the outside trash can, be done, I was fed up, nothing was ever gong to work for me.
I did the opposite pattern of the past of decarding my meds and actually called my counselor hoping something could change. He returned my message on Tuesday and mentioned the "boostbar" - an anti-anxiety pill that will supplement the antidepressant. I'm taking too many pills now. I even had to take a Xanax earlier to chill me because I got flared up by something eating my flowers that I just planted. Basils are zipped, zapped, stubs. Then I found more of my herbs nipped at the tops, new growth gone. I don't even know if they will continue to grow. Frustrating to spend so much money for a pest to feast. I'm hoping the baby powder dusted on the plants will deter whatever it is.
Anyways, the new med seems to have worked because I survived a field trip with kindergarteners today. A trip to the Bluff Fort in my hometown of Bluff. My old house is so not the same anymore and I miss the red rock views from the front yard. It was like summertime there since it is about 2,000 feet lower in elevation from Blanding. Me and Sierra got to see old pioneer cabins and antique furniture and household items. It is fascinating to see how simple life was and yet I would have been a total wimp living the way they did. I like my big house with a heating and cooling and running water, especially when it comes to the bathroom. I could not do an outhouse...yew. And I love my daily showers.
Amazing enough, I was able to work on an encaustic painting this afternoon. I have this black abstract painting with red lines cut into the background of foggy blue mingling with the black. At the bottom left is a black beetle spotlighted in white. The bug represents being lost in the darkness because those common beetles always seem to be wandering aimlessly. The painting symbolizes the depression I was feeling on Monday - feeling lost, dark, and frustrated represented by the jagged red lines. It is becoming easier to work on my wax paintings because I can turn on the heat and leave them to whenever I have a few minutes to focus on a layer. I'm thinking of re-working the black on the bottom portion and leaving a foggy blue horizontal section instead of a encircling white spotlight on the insect. I'll figure out something. At least it feels close to being done.
No comments:
Post a Comment