Hello

I have been encouraged to journal my thoughts about what I do daily to keep my sanity. I'm an artist so that makes me emotionally raw and self-critical of my work. I am a mom to three little girls - 4, 7, and 11 years old. That makes me busy with cleaning, washing, cooking, school assignments, refereeing territorial kids, and meeting extra-curricular activities like ballet and gymnastics. I am a wife which makes me emotionally needed, a good listener, a partner, an unconditional friend, and a lover. I am bipolar. That makes me unpredictable with my moods. And that is the condition I need to record so I can keep track of which episode I am feeling and how it will affect my family and work.

So far as I begin this blog, my condition has been stable with the medication Prozac and Olazepine. The most annoying side effect is still feeling sedative in the morning and the constant hunger pains. Unfortunately I have begun to gain weight and feel too sleepy to attempt any exercising. I'm trying to find a place in my cluttered house to put my mom's treadmill so that I can throw myself on it and break a sweat. I'm still in that process and my pants are feeling tight. Ugh. However, my moods have been functional. I'm not flaring up when my girls are being uncooperative, especially my youngest. She is mastering the art of being passive/aggressive with me. For example, I ask her to come here to put on shoes so we can go pick up her sisters at school. She comes but with slow steps, then she falls onto the couch, stretches, stick her feet up in the air, then tells me she doesn't want those shoes, and then I finally start threatening. She knows what she is doing and she knows my button is about pushed. I have never understood why they do these things to get me mad and themselves in trouble. Anyways, I'm not flaring up and that is a good thing.

My motivation is dragging but I think it is the Olazepine sedative effect causing the problem. I have to force myself to jump start. In a way, I'm hoping the increased Prozac from this week will trigger a hypomania. I love feeling productive and I have plenty of projects that need working on. We'll see what happens in the next couple of days. At least I'm stable finally after months and months of fighting with medications. But that is a story for another day.