Useless

Well I got my answer if I'm exhibiting or not - not. Why do I bother with these things? Probably because I want to feel successful in art. I want to be successful. Maybe this is a strong hint that after 40 years of doing art, I suck at it. I can't make a living working in a studio. I can't pay my student loans because I am going no where. All that positive feedback from school - lies. I don't have it and I don't know why I continue to bother with it. The expenses, the time, the frustration. I have lost touch. I probably suck as a teacher. The students are doing surveys now. Why not add another blow?

I want to tear up my art magazine because I'm a joke and all those pages of artwork are mocking me. I tore up a pastel drawing I finished today. It turned into a dud. I was already feeling like I didn't know what I was doing. That was proof. I don't work enough to be any kind of good anymore. Screw all my projects. They're expensive and waste of time. The only thing I'm okay at is cleaning dishes and sometimes laundry.

I'm packing up everything. My art is worth nothing which makes me not worth anything. I have depended on art all my life so that I don't know what I am anymore since my art is useless. I'm not even enjoying creating art. What do I have to show my girls? Nothing. I have nothing to show them, for them to be proud of. I'm quitting, I have nothing.