Recuperating

It has been 24 hours since my mild breakdown, my drop into the low levels of reality. I woke up still with the bad attitude, I was cross with the girls. I am trying hard not to take out my gloom on these little girls. My walls were up and I felt expressionless. The girls were fairly cooperative getting ready for school. However my small one likes to compete for the attention, creating aggravating situations that could be avoided if she would just sit down and finish eating her breakfast. The competition is unreal sometimes.

I got the two oldest to school, laid down on the couch and be useless. What point was there to get up and do anything. Sierra snuggled behind my back as I faced the couch. It was cute until she started climbing on me and especially sitting on my head - she has a thing about that. Needless to say, I got up and found some kitchen cleaning to do. Of course, why not? Next was the laundry. The clean ones needed sorting. And I would really love to slice up my hands with a blade to make this pain of feeling insignificance to go away.   But what do I do instead? I picked out another horse photo to start another painting. What an idiot. I guess I'm going to torture myself by making more useless work. Another way to stab me with insignificance.

Although, not expecting to happen, I begin to feel the creative drive, a purpose. My husband, the sweet thing that he is, took me and Sierra out to lunch to cheer me up. He knew I would be upset by the rejection so he was prepared to handle me. He has been going through his frustration as well. We have had sole ownership of the canyoneering business here in Blanding but now we have a competitor. This person apparently has money coming out of the wazoo and, in a short time, has set up shop with gear and guided tours. That is our specialty and Jared feels everything is going to be taken away from him. I hate competition.

However, Jared has decided not to worry about what the other guy is doing and focus on what he has accomplished. He suggested I do the same. So now I have a canvas sketched out ready for paint. I'm still feeling useless but I guess the Prozac is actually working.I stopped taking the Zyprexa so now I can start feeling productive again, even if it is useless.