Had my visit with Steve today. He has me fill out a questionnaire each time to determine my level of depression. I was a 27 two weeks ago, 24 a week ago, and today I'm a 14! The closer I get to 5, the better. That means the Ambilify is doing its job. We're raising the dosage and decreasing the Prozac. At this point, the Prozac is just frivolous because the Ambilify has obviously made a difference. Now with the increase, I wonder if the akathsia will kick in. I already have shaky hands. I hope it doesn't get worst because then there will be the question of living with it or not. After this dark depression, I will most likely live with the side effect. There is always Xanax to calm the nerves.
I've actually finished a couple of paintings the past two days. One abstract, one another horse. The abstract piece reflects the nausea I dealt with for two weeks. It's covered in greens, black, and reddish browns with red-orange lines swirling for a queasy effect. The green is a sick green. The black is the depression. The reddish brown represents pukiness. The red-orange was a good complementary color to all the greens. And there some blue symbolizing feeling sad. I don't know if the painting is done. It seems dull in some light, good contrast in other light. Encaustic paintings are so dependent of light and how they reflect. I'm letting it sit for awhile before calling it done. I might be firing up the paints tomorrow to dabble some more. The circular lines are still questionable if they fit in the painting or not.
The other painting is another horse, a paint with a very inquisitive expression. The colors were simple and I enhanced the shadows with brillant blue. Then I made the background a saturated yellow to vibrate with the cobalt blue. The brushstrokes are a bit loose because my hands are shaky and plus I just want to experiment with dabs of color and features. I have John Nieto in mind when I paint. His work is so colorful and expressive, very inspiring. I'm hoping with this series of paintings that I could grab a gallery to sell them. It seems to only take a couple days to paint a horse on an 18x18 canvas, so I could make three in a week. If I'm motivated. The motivation level is not quite there yet. Maybe with the dosage increase it will return.
Now I need to go shopping on DickBlick.com to order more canvases to keep up my pace. I'm probably going to buy some gesso boards for my encaustics instead of making my own wood panels. It just more convenient to have them already made. I need to do something with these abstract paintings. I have a good collection, now I just need to gather up the nerve to introduce them to the art world. Horses are easier to sell, abstracts are harder to accept. If I can find a place that specializes in abstracts maybe I will have a chance. Of course I need to find a place that would accept my horses. I also have some splatter paintings that I want to try to do something with. Three different areas of interest. That should open a door somewhere.
It's hard to believe a week ago the thought of galleries would have been overwhelming and hopeless. I'm feeling ambitious and ready to research places. But I still need to take it one day at a time. This relapse have really taken its toll on me.
No comments:
Post a Comment