It has been quite the roller coaster the past couple months. I reduced the dosage of the Buspar so I could wake up in the morning with the girls. Unfortunately that lead to the depression from May seeping in again. So I was recommended trying Viibyrd because it kicks in quickly and doesn't have the sedation effect. The first week was okay with just tummy grumbles. Diarrhea was the common adjustment side effect. Then the second week kicked my butt. Apparently I was blindsided with nausea when I increased the dosage. I haven't even made it to the maintenance level and I was throwing up toast. The nausea hit me so hard and sudden that I asked my mom to help out with dinner and the girls while Jared was at work. All I could do was lay in bed and feel miserable. Not helpful with the depression. Steve told me it was transitory, give it three days to subside. It subsided a little, not enough.
I missed out on the camping trip that weekend. The stupid nausea and diarrhea wasn't going to let it happen. Jared was brave and actually took the girls on his own. They traveled to Goblin Valley to meet up with Jeff and Melanie's family. What was weird is that my family left, leaving me time to myself to do whatever, and I panicked. I became distraught not being able to make sure the girls were safe. I also felt abandoned. Leaving me alone was probably not a good idea because I was depressed and sick. I have never realized how dependent I was on my family's schedule. Instead of using that time to be creative, I felt alone and anxious. All I felt like doing was watching TV while watching the time move slowly.
Time has really slowed down. Each tick feels excruciating because I feel I'm wasting my time. Motivation is zip, nada, nothing. It's painful just to move. I just want to lay in bed and sleep away this depression. I was in bad shape Monday. I went off the Viibyrd because the nausea was too much to work with and I increased the Prozac. Unfortunately the Prozac takes a long time to build up in the system. So I was left feeling hopeless, a dark hole. I called Steve and we decided to try Ambilify again. Anything that will left me quickly. I remembered the Ambilify seemed to have worked in a matter of a couple of days when I was in the hospital. I don't even care that I get akatisia from it. I'll work with it this time. Anything would be better than this dark hole. Dealing with restlessness is easier, at least I would be moving.
Now with increased Prozac and Ambilify on board, I'm apparently dumping way too much serotonin into my system. I'm nausea again. I decreased the Prozac last night since I increased the Ambilify dosage two nights ago. Steve said it was okay to do. It might even get to the point of taking out the Prozac if I'm responding to the Ambilify. I just want to eat again. I looked in the mirror last night and noticed a weight difference from being nausea for over two weeks.
So here I am - nausea but feeling out of the hole which seemed like was never going to happen. Jared has been great. He has been patient with me. He vented to Steve. I think he understands a bit better in what we are dealing with, why I feel like staying in bed. He even took off work for a couple of weeks while I get myself together. We're treating the depression as if recovering from surgery. I have felt less guilty thinking of recovery as such. I just want to feel immediate results. This depression has gone on way too long.
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