A better day....

Today is a better day. The depression feels lifted or something. I don't feel like crying unexpectedly, moving around doesn't feel heavy and exhausting, my eyes are more awake, and life doesn't seem bleak. Although I still feel I'm not fully capable to handle the girls on my own. But I have taken on more responsibilities. I took Celeste to the orthodontist and a trip the Walmart where I spent way too much money. At one point, on the way home, I wanted to break down and drive no more because I began to feel weak and incapable again. I pushed through it. That's another point in recovery.

Today I finished a painting. A simple black and white portrait of a horse. Nonetheless, another point for recovery. I'm having to force myself a bit to be motivated and productive but it's better than before. The combination of Prozac and Ambilify might be the magic cocktail.

I have to say I'm still watching the time. I worry that I can't fill the time. I have spent so long just sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the TV that I worry I will find myself bored and unfilled. The girls' schedule make up most of my day. I have my artwork to occupy me while the girls are at school. My low interest in my art has me worried I'm left with nothing but occasional housework and talk shows. I need to be something more, have something else with life than just being a mom. The girls are growing up and they're schedule will not depend on me like it does now. I need to produce paintings. Build a business at home, work my own schedule, feel productive and contributing. Heaven knows I probably could never work outside the home especially after this episode. I hate having to feel disabled. It's one of those aspects of this illness that I have to come to terms. I don't want to accept that I can't function at times. Fortunately I have a husband who understands I may never work full-time at a job.

I do have a part-time job as an adjunct art instructor for USU. So far I have managed to keep the moods outside of the classroom. I have been hypomanic which made the lecture entertaining as well as quick. I managed to keep the lows from being obvious. My lecture does slow down which is probably a good thing for learning. Being in front of students forces me to mask the mood. So far I haven't had the terrible depression during the semester. Which is good to have it now if at all before the Spring semester begins. Although I worry that I won't be up to speed when class starts but I tell myself that I have two months to be functional. I should be ready by that time, cross my fingers.

In the meantime, do this recovery thing. Do at least one project every day to feel productive and capable. Today is a better day.